My weekends are just kinda melting together aren't they? Ah, oh well. This weekend went reasonably well except for the last bits. I managed to actually socialize with people for once in my life. It was cool, especially since it was someone that was onboard with some of my plans! I finally got through to the DMV here in Colorado to get a liscence, which is awesome because it get's me one step closer to my passport but now while I wait for my updated and transfered ID, I can't buy anything I am legally of age to buy anymore...womp womp.

  Went to the city tonight and after meeting with some friends, I drove my self to the mountains overlooking the city to just breath and think by myself. I think if follow through with the suicide, I found my spot. I marked the cordinates on my phone for safe keeping later. It was a beautiful spot up there and I had a wonderful time except for the fact I balled my eyes out like a little bitch

  Well, my life isn't super interesting at the moment, puberty hasn't been fucking with my emotions as much as it was lately so that is nice. Fightimg like hell to get a new ID as for the moment I have no valid ID due to my name change. I am trying to get into hiking at the moment to get me out of the house as I have been a miserable bitch staying indoors on all my free-days. Mind fog and mental numbness is still a bitch. On the bright side of everything, I haven't self harmed in awhile which is a bit freeing, though I expected it to get worse when the Dysphoria and Estrogen-fueled mood swings locked metaphorical arms.

  I recently got a handheld gaming computer and oh my god is it fun! I have got to play many games I had previously could never play on my office computer. The drawback obviously being that alot more of days are being wasted on useless shit. That's been my biggest qualm is the fact that I feel unsatisfied with how spend my weekedn and I am honestly trying to find a way out of it and not spiral but to say the least, it's difficult.

  Here I am... alive. I have been paying closer attention to the political climate. Lies and religon (which are also lies) are being used as the basis of stripping away our rights. This week I have taken the first steps to taking action for it, I used a bit of chatPGT to conjure up some legistlation for my city to make it a trans sanctuary city. I posted it on the reddit sub for my town and it only brought an immense amount of hate, I had one guy even go so far to add comments to my google doc and spammed for me to "kys" I guess I should add the context that my town is deep tomatoe red, so I highly doubt the ordinance will be even considered but it's worth a try. I got into contact with a few individuals around town and are thinking of starting an outreach group.

  I hope transistion treats me well, I can only imagine what I look like on the otherside of it all. Hopefully I will feel better about myself and the dysphoria goes away. God do I look forward to that day, but for the moment I'm stuck in the present. I guess I'll make the most of it.

  I am forcing myself not to write about suicide or anything dark for once. I want to write about anything other than that at the moment, I'd rather not feed the monster in the closet. Anyways, Work went well this week, tired as shit because I'm on night shift. I finally wired up my 120-240v--12-24v power supply, I was fucking scared to plug that into a wall. Still no friends yet, still a fucking loner. Currently trying to fix that. My name will officially change next Friday! I filed all the paper work at the clerks office today!!! She was super nice and even gave me a pride sticker!

  I am now officially growing breast!!!! It's been less than a month and that's already happening! I have super soft skin now and my hair is growing longer! I am starting to see a glimmer of hope that I will pass eventually. Normally these changes start happening after 3 months! So hopefully puberty will do me good. May I will make it to see the other side.

  I plan on applying for my passport after I get the court declaration next friday! I am thinking about waiting out the republican held government in Britain while I use the GI bill on college. I also plan on visiting my friend in greece next year which will be pretty rad. Yeah, I don't really know what else to say besides, good luck to the rest of trans people out there. I know shit must be bad for a lot. Especially with all the bans on gender affirming care on youth and possibly adults in the future and christianity being thrust into schools. Stay safe, stay strong and fucking resist.

  I cried for the first time in years yesterday. I cried alone, in my bedroom. away from sight or hearing from anyone. No one to call. No one to comfort me, offer me a hug, or to ask if I'm alright. The isolation and lonlieness is becoming unbearable. I have relapsed and began cutting myself again. I am starting to see no way out and am having a hard time coping with that. I feel trapped, without hope. I have tried my best claw my way out of this to no avail. I see why people commit suicide, I know why they do it. This is a cold and uncaring world, devoid of a single caring individual. I am sure they exist, but not in any capacity that I in my current circumstance would be able to find.

  I am thinking if I end up making the journey out of this existence what kind of legacy and message would I want to leave behind. Words of wisdom and hope? I certainly am not qualified for saying something like that. I think it might be personalized for the different people in my life. I want to send them to my old shipmates back at my old naval base thanking them for the companionship and truly wonderful times and lessons I recieved from them. To my trans support group, thanking them for giving me individuals that I could actually call friends from for the first time in years. To my Nuke school buddies, for bringing me joy I never thought I would feel in my life.

  To my mom, to vent my frustrations of her being ignorant and let her know my appreciation of her raising me. To let her truly know who I am, her daughter. to my Highschool friendgroup, to let them know that I trul think about them every day and that its the most painful thing in the world to be so distant from them.

  I will send my local police department the cordinates of my body and instuctions for my funeral. Obviously I would post a goodbye letter on here and make one last video log and journal entry.

  Sorry this is taking such a dark turn but unfortunately that's the way things are at the moment and this is one of the few spaces where I can actually be my (almost) pure unadulterated self and get to talk to probably a non-existent audience. I have no one to talk to about what goes on in my head and no shoulder to cry on so I am dealing with it as I best can. Part of growing up is realizing that this is the real world, and there is only one way out of it.

&ndbsp; Ayo, it's your girl! Well, for starters I have been feeling alot better lately. Not sure if it's the hormones or what but it feels nice to be contented for once and not drowning in self-misery. Most of the work week I was super sleep deprived but it left my work relatively unaffected. I managed to perform really well, handling most trouble calls from machine operators by myself. It was really rewarding to see myself actually making progress!

  So far I have been on Estrodiol for 8 days, I haven't noticed any changes yet (obviously) but I am happy that everything is going relatively smoothly. I can't wait for me to hit my 3 month mark and compare photos of myself. While we are still on the topic of transition, I made my first step towards my name change and got my background check done! it will be so nice seeing that crisp new ID with my name on it!

  This election and the hype from both sides are fucking killing me, I'm already not a fan of the two party system but I am an even bigger opponent of the vehement spite that is spewed out by both democrats and republicans. You say anything about a party or candidate that doesn't align with either side and they fucking hate you. It's like your not allowed to have an individual opinion that you develop yourself anymore. For example, I was telling someone that I voted for Chase Oliver and they immediately said that it was a wasted vote and that I am basically voting for the other side. These people feel a need to protect their black and white world views so they don't need to think critically at all and it pisses me off. It's always excuse after excuse every fucking election year, "Oh, this election is too important. Once we get this over with then we can focus on finding a true candidate", yeah bro, you've been saying that for the past three elections.

  I also feel like people place too much importance on the federal offices and especially the president. Like, do you people not know that the president is not the same as an elected monarch? The president can't pass laws or introduce legislation, at most they are the figure heads of the country with executive orders but those aren't the same laws. Executive orders can only act in the absence of law (Which is very rare) or direct the government to act out laws in a prescribed manner. By no means is the president a dictator. Another huge topic is how president affects the economy but if you actually look at some of the factors that dictate how well our economy does, the presidency doesn't even reach the top ten on that list. Hell, even the legislation that congress and general assemblies that get's passed doesn't have an immediate affect on the economy and most only take affect only after most of the offices are vacated or turn over.

  I dunno, that's my little rant. Case in point, I am feeling way better this week than I have in a while, so... Yeah, bye!!!!!

  Yeah, I am happy... in a way. I finally got what I wanted. It's relieving that I stopped the last part of my male puberty and and am beginning what I should have gone through in the first place. Not that I think it will change much of value unless I win the genetic lottery. Chances are that I will end up dead in the next four years even before the deadline I have set for being able to pass. I had to drive over an hour to get to the nearest planned parenthood center All the while I'm in some clothes I find cute. On my way into the clinic I saw protestors off to the side on the side walk. Looking at me going in, everyone knew I was a fucking tranny. Once in the clinic, things went relatively smoothly and I was in and out with my prescription in hand. I knew I should have gone straight home afterwards as I haven't had sleep for over two days at that point but instead my dumbass popped like five caffiene pills and barged into a local meetup of the group I have been attending. I made it through that and somehow also getting another monster afterwards to make sure I survive the next hour of driving without crashing.

  The next day (Yesterday) I went to get my car serviced and picked my Estrodiol and T-Blockers and made like a bee home. The first thing I did was figure out how to do the intramuscular shit and fucking jabbed that shit into me. Nothing feels different, as expected. I won't see any noticable affect for at the very least 3 months. So now I just lie waiting. Waiting. Waiting... I-.... It's great and I'm super grateful to be doing this but, the countdown has started. If I do not pass by 24 Oct, 2024 I know that I have given the hormones their required time to take affect and will fully see my numbers of the genetic dice.

  Lonlieness is still a bitch and still present. I have gotten desperate and resorted to bumble to see if I can find at least one friend that way. (Yeah, I'm fucking pathetic) So far I haven't used the app enough to fully see how well it works but maybe some luck will come out of it. Also out of my desperate-ness, I tried forming a queer coffee meetup in my town. Nothing, no response or anything, posted it on reddit and only got downvoted, Fuck man. It's hard for me not to be cynical in situations like these, but in a town totaling over 100k people, what the absolute fuck are they doing? There are no groups, meetups or events despite this being a college town.

  I tried talking to my family today again for the first time in forever and once again nothing good came out of it. I love my mom but she's mentally ill and has been for as long as I remember. My entire childhood and time growing up was hell because of it. I try not to hold it against her but she knew what she had for a long time and refused to get treatment for it, not even letting her own children know of what she had, and me and my siblings suffered because of it. I have never connected with her in any meaningful way and may never be able to and that's something I am still learning to accept.

  Yeah... I guess thats it for the moment, same old shit. Dysphoria is beating my ass, I have mommy issues, and I finally am on E. I think this may be my shortest entry yet so, sorry. (Who the fuck am I saying sorry to, nobody in their right fucking minds reads this stupid shit)

  Have you ever felt happy? Have you ever felt as if things are going good in the moment but the overall picture, the grand-image if you will. God it's been a good last two weeks, in those moments. In those very fleeting moments that I may never see or feell again given some time. I sit here in my technological haze, mind dulled and senses sabatogedand my emotions fleeting. I feel as though I'm just living in this very hallowed out moment. I really don't know how to be present in the moment anymore; let alone knowing who I truly am or where I am at.

  I apologize if I sound like some edgy teenager from the early 2000's who seems incapable of writing in prose. I think should be a bit more direct. At the moment my mind is muddled with sleep deprivation and a technological haze that I can't seem to shake. So as a warning this entry will sound really fucking weird compared to how it usually is. It's miserable and for one reason or another I can't seem to break the habit of constantly need some kind of stimulation. I disgust myself. Don't get me wrong, the last two weeks have been the best times I have had in a long while. I found a nearbye club that I built up the courage to go to and it was nothing short of amazing. I have already met two people who'd I assume are my friends. (We even exchanged contact information!!!!!&341;. One of them even found my blog much to my dismay; I had forgotten that my website link is attatched to my discord bio. I am going to a party tommorrow with the same group which will be cool

  I start hormones next week. I am excited and grateful... but I'm also dreading it. I have pretty much decided if I can't manage to pass within the next 4 years of being on HRT I will commit suicide, the clock starts ticking. You can read my explaination for why I made that promise in the below entry. But long story short: there's no point in transitioning in my eyes if I just turn into a pig with lipstick. No matter how many wishy washy lovey dovey type shit people say, passing does matter. It matters to me. Part of being a woman is looking like a woman. I have been miserable for so long, why even bother being even more miserable when the only hope of passing (via genetic lottery) is taken away from me, when HRT has done all that it can possibly do. I am already a shell of my former self, dyphoria has taken what was left of my personality. My hopes and dreams are literally an impossibillity at this point. I got kicked out of the Navy. Out of contact with the majority of my family and friends due to this horrible fucking mental condition.

  I wanted to write this blog post with some positivity but I just can't seem to. I do apologize, this blog wasn't written with the clearest of minds. I am super fucking tired and need to go to bed. I will come back and look at this blog post tommorrow to make sure I haven't said anything wild or too out of touch. For the moment I am just trying to meet the the dead of which I haven't as it's 0102 where I am at so... As close as I can I guess?

  Update: I read through what I wrote and yes, I see it's an emotional sleep-deprived mess. At the moment I'm a bit bitter. Dysphoria is pounding my ass hard so... Yes, I do plan on killing myself for sure if I don't pass. That is more than enough time to allow HRT do it's thing. I have suffered for long enough and refuse to keep on suffering. I'm starting to make friends now but only to a certain degree and I haven't had time for things to evolve to a point where I can consider them close. I updated my wardrobe today and got some nice and new shits, garders and thigh highs! Went out in fem and had a decent time though I still feel disconnected I'm sure with enough consistency, it will fade and I will actually become close with people... Hopefully.

  I've noticed with alot of social life, when one actually takes inititive (Takes the first move) and seeks and actively puts effort into maintaining relationships things get a bit better. I think the problem I had and keep having when depression and anxiety take hold is that it creates an illusion that I'm stuck in a hole. The probelem being that there are stairs leading out of the hole but the depression blocks the light from letting you see you can quite easily get out. But on the other side of the coin, the effort I am actively putting into buildiing meaningful connections is quite tremendous considering that I am constantly masking my self everywhere I go until the time comes and I have to drive over an hour away just to meet with a group of people with a similiar intrest to me wasting money and recourses just so I can meet with people for about an hour. Thats's Two hours of driving just for one hour of socialization (If even that, I am not constantly engaging with people the entire time I'm at these events in the first place) This is usually once or twice a week. I dunno, so far this is a pretty long update for what I wanted it to be so imma just leave it be for now. see you next friday night I guess...

  Well here I am again... I don't know if that's a good thing at this point or not. Oh well, it is what it is. I guess work this week wasn't horrible and I actually got to learn some things. My partner/coworker I have on my shift had made a comment about my hair saying that I need a hair cut (Fuck that shit, I need that long hair and we all know why). I know I have talked about it plenty of times in past entries on here but I am concerned that transition will fuck me up at work and either lead to transphobia at the work place or just getting fired. Genetically, looking at the members of my family I am gentically wired to have huge breast which I guess in a trans sense is a good thing but proffessionally where I want to be lowkey it's going to be a bitch once I am physically not able to bind anymore. Oh well, I guess I get there when I get there.

  Yesterday being my first full day off, I managed to be a fucking couch potato and fuck my self over productively when it came to chores and such. Womp womp. I managed to pull myself together and made signifigant progress on my Japanese using ChatGPT as a personal tutor for my japanese. I must note that I have almost completed my learning of hirigana and katakana! I am able to somewhat read and understand basic sentence structure and some particles now! At some point I will make a Japanese section to this site and it will be fucking awesome. I am still going to need alot of time to learn the language however because while my writing and reading are good, my listening and hearing are absolute shit. I am trying my best to commit but at the same time I don't want to burn my self out.

  Dyysphoria really fucked with me yesterday and today (and pretty much the entire work week) but the thoughts that occured when my dysphoria became a little concerning were worth consideration when it calmed down a bit. What if I don't ever pass and I just end up looking like the stereotypical ugly trans person. I looked botched and mutilated, like a pig with lipstick. What the fuck would be the point then? I like to think that at that point of no return detransition wouldn't and couldn't be in the cards for me and it's a more reasonable option to just hang from a ceiling or watch my last sunset from pikes peak while my life drains out of me through my wrist and thighs. Of course HRT will make me look more feminine to a degree, but to what degree exactly? I am 20 years old with a large chunk of puberty already behind me. I don't look overly masculine by no means but I definitely look male. Is it too late for me? I guess at this point it's an existenial question for sure.

  I guess I wish things could have been different. I just wish I had real friends, family or frankly just anyone who just liked me for me. I wish I had grown up with a supportive family, loving parents, and no secrets. I feel like I have been cheated out what could have been. I just want to let someone know how I am feeling, like really feeling. Theres no one and nothing for me here anymore. It gets tiring after awhile having to carry this every day and at some point I want some rest. I wish someone cared enough to call adn check up on how I'm doing.

  I am sorry for ending this blog in what I guessing is an emotional rant. I don't think I can stand to write anything else for the moment. I am kinda caving in on the inside.

  My Website is Finally coming together! Hey internet and the probably the close to zero amount of people who actually read this blog. Well, I have successfully managed not to slash my wrist for the last week despite the headspace I have been in. Thankfully towards the latter end of the week I have managed to bring myself up a little. Work has been a mixture of stress and boring-ness'. I am still having a hard time deciphering all the new equipment I have been confronted with and I am only angering my partner that I work with on that shift. Not that it matters much anyways, they are all transphobic anyways.

  The lonlieness is almost crippling; I have no idea on how to make friends. As I said before in previous post, most of my friends have been made through forced circumstance (being crammed together on a boat tends to bring people together). Now as a civilian I feel so isolated. Disconnected from everyone and everything. I thank my lucky stars that I haven't used my razor blades yet but knowing my past and it's patterns it may be inevitable.

  Sadly on another note my hallucinations are still sticking around a bit more than usual and I can't figure out if they are due to sleep deprivation from work or my mind is actually fucked up. For example on my drive home work the other day I was seeing black shapes in the distance. They turned into black blobs of which subsequently turned into a few motorcycles driving all over the road. I couldn't distinguish if they were real or not for a brief moment. I have also started to develope the tendency to feel the presence of something in an area, as if it's going to appear at any moment. Weird shit I know. I think I should give it a couple more weeks and see if it gets better or worse. I don't have health insurance at the moment and most of my budget is going towards the cost of my hrt appointments.

  On a much lighter and happier note, I have booked my first HRT appointment at my local planned parenthood venter! EEEEEEEEEE! I am so happy I can't wait. Though the initial appoint is going to cost me $285.00! WTF? That's not even including the blood test they will have to do and whatever the fuck else they have me do to grab more cash out of my ass! Regardless I am looking forward to finally easing my dysphoria. It's been a long while since I have felt a sense of euphoria. Years were spent on me fantasizing being feminine regardless of wheather I knew I wanted to be a girl or not at the time.

  I went to the thrift store today to get hoodies (Yes, the dysphoria hoodie stereotype is real with this one OwO). I love them so much and I even managed to find one that looked like the ones teen youtubers from 2012 would wear. I will upload a pic of therm at some point!

  Aside from me complaining about my mental issues and other small problems, I am eternally grateful to be able to afford HRT and the other luxuries I now have. It felt like a pipe-dream a couple months ago for me to even find myself in this situation. I was genuinely thinking I would have to wait for years until I got out of the navy or smuggle estrogen from overseas in order to fight my dysphoria. I guess things have worked out for the better (As long as I don't off myself before I can see my first noticable changes from HRT). I dunno... Well good-bye internet and virtually 0 readers I have of my blog!

  I changed up the format a bit, I liked the scroll affect of other blogs being hosted by neocities! Hope y'all like it. Also, excuse the YT video. it's the closest thing I could find to playing music over my site.

  Hey internet, yeah the title is pretty self explainatory. I've gone through almost a whole month with no days off with today being my second in a row. Yeah, I guess thats the ho-down. I've learned alot and worked a month straight to bring a random sugar factory to up and running. Physically and financially I'm doing amazing but mentally not so much. Dysphoria, like usual, is rocking my shit but lately it's been taken to an extreme. Couple that with whatver else the fuck is mentally not okay up there and I have been slowly spiraling. I'm afraid it will get worse and I am scared it will end up like how it did in the navy save for this time I have no one and nothing to help me. I'm alone without friends or family (Though I've never cared much for them anyways)

  Call it stockholm syndrome but I miss the navy. As transphobic as they were, they still liked me for who they thought I was. I was around people who actively cared and took efforts to socialize and check up on me, and vice versa. Now, in the civillian world, I am alone, like completely alone. It's not the same as when I at least had an image I could potray that people enjoyed being around. Now I have just me and my thoughts.

  My roomates are exactly that: roomates. Compared to when I was in the navy renting my first room, I had roomates who were almost like family. I would kill to have something like that again or anything remotely resembling that. Same goes with my co-workers. They have an image I set-up to secure my employemnt. I am holding on for the moment but I am actively failing to find any ideas to make some friends. It's not like the movies where you simply go up to someone, introduce yourself, and instantly become friends. The world nowadays from what I've seen is alienating. I don't know how to properly operate. I'm not stuck on a boat anymore where I am basically forced to befriend someone. I'm me in a room alone. Fuck man, I can't even find someone on discord servers who even want to talk to me.

  I've thought of suicide and self-harm alot in the past month. Sometimes the thoughts were random and some were triggered by seemingly small things. I understand that the thoughts were not healthy and I've tried actively doing something to make them stop or just distracting myself but it doesn't work. It seems that I can't ever escape this dark cloud no matter where I go in life. It's something thats always been there and for seeming no reason. It's not necassarily dysphoria, that's seperate and can serve as a trigger for it. I'm getting tired. Between this darkness that I can never seem to shake and the dysphoria that makes me want to carve out my insides, at some point I feel like it's just not worth it to keep going on. I want to be better and happy so damn bad. That's why I'm scheduling my endo appointment in my first step to HRT, it's why I moved to the state I did in the first place. It's why despite me not wanting to be disciplined and completing the chores and tasks I lay out for myself I do them anyways hoping for a respite in my mood and energy.

  I dunno, I'm just a dumb girl... what do I know. I'll update again...hopefully

  Hilo guys! (No, "Hilo" is not a typo") So here I am updating this blog once again! I am happy to announce that I have a job and home now! it all started when I got off my flight and two days later I got an offer letter from the company for 37.73/hr with a 15k bonus! Like holy shit!, I can finally breath a little. The company said they wanted me in Colorado that Friday. (it was Thursday so I had three days to get there) So in the course of a single night I packed what was left of my shit and booked it to Colorado.
  The drive was long as fuck but I had alot of fun and even met with my mom halfway there which I guess is nice (She doesn't know I'm trans and is incredibly transphobic) Once I had arrived on a Thurday I had more than enough time to get ready for Friday. I booked the hotel for Thursday and chilled out doing the drug test and looking for a house.
  I was looking for houses all weekend through the convention websites like Zillow and apartments.com but was met by fucking sky high rent prices. This place is like a mid-western version of California. I even got fucking stood-up by a realator when I scheduled a tour for an aprtment in the next town over. Through desperation I was looking for roomates to cut the cost but unfortunately due to my location being a relatively small town I was out of options. Eventually I found through some searching on craigslist a place with roomates an hour away from work (Yeah, fuck thats a long drive but it was like $670.00 a month&341; I eventually got there the next day.
  I was pleased that it was REALLY fucking nice neighborhood and house. The roomies were cool to: One is an instrument technician that will talk your ear off. Another is a logistics guy for some random company not too far away. The last one is the most interesting of all, he is a guy that lost both his legs and most of his fingers but made his own prostetic legs and now does it for a living; Talk about cool!
  My first day of work was this Monday. I went into orientation and then met the shop. Most of them were cool and way more fucking knowledgable in this shit than I am. I thought I was a decent electrician on my boat but now I feel as dumb as a box of rocks. I have never learned about instrumental equipment while in school or out in the fleet so I was pretty lost. The last thing I want is to be fired for being shit at my job. Thankfully through the week the guys in the shop were willing to teach me and were overall really fucking awesome. The week ended off in a cookout in the shop and the food was really fucking awesome.
  My biggest worry at the moment is my weird depression/isolation cycles and dyphoria getting me fucked up. I have no one now that I am out of the navy that actually cares anymore. If anything happens, no one will call to talk or ask me if I am allright. I have no friends or support network that cares for my well-being. I am already feeling my dysphoria and cycles edging at the back of my mind and it worries mne that it will get worse. I have already had thoughts of cutting again which isn't good. I have kicked that habit months ago but I feel like I am only a cycle or trigger away.

  Hey again internet, I am once again updating this blog as promised... bruh. Who the fuck even reads this shit anyways? So on Friday I went throguh another interview and so far it has been my only job I have applied for that has other candidates. I did really really well with the questions and improvised soundly when I had to. I finally got out of that old ladies house; To be frank, her house was INFESTED with bugs [mostly roaches]. My mother got me a hotel that night to allow me to get sleep before the company in Colorado flew me out.
  The flight went well and I got super fucking lucky with the car rental; I am 20 so apparently you cannot rent a car to people under 21 [What the fuck is being an adult at 18 even for then?] but the lady broke the rules after enough begging from me and eventually gave me the keys to the car I rented. When I got to where I was going, the area wasn't bad at all and in fact it reminded me of my former home in South Dakota but just a tad mor developed.
  The factory that I had applied to and was going to interview at and tour was auctually right accross the street. Come the next day, I met the supervisor of the plant and he showed me all the nooks and crannies of the plant. I am absolutely in love with the place! It has all the type of machinery that I am used to and love to fix plus some. The plant however was alot more solid state than I was expecting which they said they would train me on which Is another thing to remark on; They constantly send people to school to give them more training on the systems in plant weather that be PLCs or Boilers! After all of this, the plant supervisor had me take a test...Fuck. I haven't learned half of the shit they were talking about in that damned thing. After about 2 hours of stretching my brain in every which way imaginable I completed the test. Consider me humbled.
  We talked about pay and there I was in my head thinking, "If I can't get paid at leat 35 an hour here, I can't accept the offer. This man says, "Yeah, we'll probably start you off at 37 and hour and from there we will see if you are more qualified to give you a raise. After that statement my soul left my body. Bro, I want this job so fucking BAD. Over lunch he told me the job offer will be written up and emailed to me today.
  On my flight back home it occured to me I am still homeless. While it was nice to stay in all of these hotels, I can't aucutally afford one. I have no place to go to once I get back... I tried getting onto base with my CAC card and just ended up getting it taken away and I was turned around. I ended up sleeping in my old barracks parking garage. At the moment I just got done at an interview here in Norfolk and just completed an Amazon Interview this morning. It's 1557 EST and still don't have that job offer they promised yesterday so I am growing nervous. I am probably going to sleep in that parking garage again tonight. Thank god I still have that parking permit sticker. I think I will go purchase a sleeping mat for my car after I get off here. I am just waiting for my phone to charge to %100.

  Hey Internet... Welp, a few days ago around 8 o'clock at night I was in my barracks scrolling through my work email (Especially my Junk) when I found an email from my adiministrative division with an attatchment. "Weird", I thought to myself as I clicked it. Inside I found my DD214 (document in the military essentially stating that you served and are now discharged) stating I was discharged the day before I read the email. Prior to this, I have recieved no warning, communication or advanced notice that this was happening. Prior to this I was previously sent to a temporary command while my other ship was out at sea. They were supposed to come back into port this weekend and then from there give me a date about a week or two in advance.
  For context, in the military when getting discharged or seperated you are supposed to receive notice at the very least 10 days in advance of your seperation date (Known informaly as the 10 day letter) So Essentially, I got fucked in the ass due to me still being in the process of interviewing for jobs and having no shelter for me to stay at. I had to literally pack my seabags that very night and be gone the next morning. In the process of all this bullshitery I was CONVINCED that this had to be a mistake: so once I finally got in contact with my chain of command they confirmed that, yes, you're seperated.
  "Sorry it turned out the way it did, good luck", my fucking chief said. At this point I am distraught because over the course of a night I am literally fucking homeless and unemployed. I managed to claw my way onto base yesterday and get my official paperwork. It took every ounce of my will not to chew the fuck out of the Admin officer. Once off my boat I checked out of my apartment that the Navy provided me and since I was two days past my seperation date I owed fucking rent to this place(around 480 dollars!). Shit just keeps piling up; for the moment I will just ignore the bill until I can get on my feet because I literally have no other fucking option.
  Thankfully, I have really close friends I have met in the area through the local trans groups; most of them were more than happy to provide me with a temporary place to stay. At the moment, a nice elderly lady is letting me stay at her place for the week (I promised them it would only be for a week because I know I can get a job in that time). At the moment of writing this entry, I have an interview today for indiana as a generator tech and have a company in colorado flying me out for an interview and factory tour this weekend.
  Wish me luck I guess, I'm going to remain positive and faithful that everything will turn out fine and I will be employed by the end of the week. I will probably update the next monday or tuesday depending on the circumstances at the time.

Hello Internet! I am Columbia, a trans girl that loves all things engineering! So I guess I should start off on the fact that I am currently transitioning out of the navy. To make a Long story short, dysphoria made me sad, I tried to get help, Navy basically said, "LOL get the fuck out of here tranny" so now I am here in my last few weeks of the Navy trying to find a job. Honestly, since I am an Electricians Mate, finding jobs hasn't been too big of an issue, Especially good paying ones. I have a bad problem when it comes to change though. I don't want to leave the city I am stationed in because of the community I have found which I feel is unlike anything I have ever found but then again, I said that about my last duty station. Having my egg crack here and finding the support group and the best friends that stemmed from it has been amazing. Obviously the Navy doesn't exactly help with my social life or transition here so I made due with what I had; now that I am getting away from the navy, If I had a decent oppurtunity at staying here things would only get better but this place I think is crowded with people in posistions and circumstances just like me. Yes, I could take a shit-ass electrican job here and live paycheck by paycheck but how would I financially manage to transition and more importantly estrogen. I would be shooting myself in the foot. Some things in life I guess require saying goodbye to. Womp Womp... Anyways, on the subject of this website itself, I plan on having either a forum or a chatroom, an engineering space where I either post projects of either my greatest repairs or my coolest creations! Also, expect the site to be updated for the next two to three months to be updated bi-weekly (Especially considering that my HTML skills will be constantly improving) . So yeah, theres my first blog post! I hope yall enjoy!